Shareware Grab Bag

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186,000 miles per second :: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law !! A bachelor is a man whom women are still sampling. A bee is the debauchee of dews. --Emily Dickinson A closed mouth gathers no feet. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. A cynic is only a frustrated optimist. A fanatic is one who can't change his mind, and won't change the subject. A friend asks only for your time, not your money. A guy has to be fresh once in a while so a girl doesn't lose her confidence. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. A horse may be forced to drink but a pencil must be lead. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. --Lao Tzu A king's castle is his home. A lie in time saves nine. A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. A man who turns green has eschewed protein. A member of your family will do something that will make you proud. A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A stitch in time saves nine. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. Alimony is your cash surrender value to your spouse. All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance. All that glitters has a high refractive index. Allocate four digits for the year part of a date: a new millennium is near. Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working. An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. An elephant is a mouse built to Mil-spec. An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran. An expert is someone from out of town. An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. Arithmetic is being able to count up to 20 without taking off your shoes. Artists are never Puritans and seldom even respectable. --H. L. Mencken As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. As scarce as truth is, the supply has always exceeded the demand. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Avoid Asymmetry. Basic is a high level languish. Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another. Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. Belief is thought at rest. Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven't ever tried. --Mae West. Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. --Thoreau Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. Beware of quantum ducks: quark, quark. Bigamy is carrying respectability to a criminal extreme. Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. Brevity is the soul of lingerie. --Dorothy Parker Broadmindedness is highmindedness flattened out by experience. Business is like oil, it won't mix with anything but business. By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. By following the good, you learn to be good. Character is built upon the rubble of dreams. Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. Cheese is milk's great leap toward immortality. --Clifton Fadiman Clones are people two. Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. COLE's LAW - Thinly sliced cabbage. Common sense is very uncommon. Conservatism begins with the purchase of a house and the birth of a child. Conversation enriches understanding, but solitude is the school of genius. Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. --Eddie Rickenbacker Courage is grace under pressure. --Ernest Hemmingway Creditors have much better memories than debtors. Debt is the certain outcome of an uncertain income. Def: Recursive, adj.; see Recursive Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. Details count. Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. Distant water does not put out a fire. Do it today. Tomorrow it will be illegal. Do not clog intellect's sluices with knowledge of questionable uses. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Don't believe it until you can eat it or spend it. Don't bite my finger, look where it's pointing. Don't debug standing up. It cuts your patience in half. Don't include a sentence in documentation if its negation is obviously false Don't keep doing what doesn't work. Don't let the light of your life be the light in the refrigerator. Don't make the user provide information that the system already knows. Don't panic. Don't use a computer to do things that can be done efficiently by hand. Don't use hands to do things that can be done efficiently by the computer. Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. Don't write a new program if one already does more or less what you want. Draw your salary before spending it. Drilling for oil is boring. Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past. Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs. Easy to use is easy to say. Economy makes men independent. Eighty Percent of all input forms ask questions they have no business asking Electricity travels a foot in a nanosecond. Entropy isn't what it used to be. Eschew Clever Rules. Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion. Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark. Every purchase has its price. Every time I lose weight, it finds me again! Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement. Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. Everything bows to success, even grammar. Expect a promotion soon. A promoter will call upon you. Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. -Oscar Wilde Faith goes out the window when beauty comes in at the door. Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. -Mark Twain For success today, look first to yourself. Fortune Cookie says: Don't look back, always look ahead. Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement. Friction is a drag. Friendship is one soul in two bodies. From listening comes wisdom, from speaking comes repentance. Fruit flies like an apricot. Time flies like an arrow. Furious Activity is no substitute for understanding. Give a speculator an inch and he'll build a condo. Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. God does not play dice with the universe. God gives us relatives; thank God we can choose our friends. God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. Going the speed of light is bad for your age. Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement. He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. He is truly wise, who gains wisdom from another's mishap. He that will not command his thoughts will soon lose command of his actions. He was so crooked he could hide behind a corkscrew. He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with two eyes. He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals. He who has a shadowy past knows that nice guys finish last. He who has imagination but no learning has wings but no feet. He who hesitates is last. He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Heard on Noahs'ark: Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. Heisenburg may have slept here. Help! I'm trapped inside an IBM-PC! His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. Hush! Hush! Secret! I came from a fortune cookie factory. I can feel it. My mind. It's going, Dave. I can feel it. I despise the pleasure of despising people whom I despise. I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. I do not like work even when another person does it. -Mark Twain I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I must have slipped a disk. My pack hurts. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. Idleness is the holiday of fools. If a system doesn't have to be reliable, it can do anything else. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane! If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. If it is not there, it does not exist. If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. If it screams, it's not food. If one word does not succeed, ten thousand are of no avail. If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. If the Lord had meant us to fly, He would have given us aluminum skin. If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. If you believe in gambling in the end you will sell your house. If you can't write it down in English, you can't code it. If you continually give you will continually have. If you find yourself in a hole: quit digging. If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. If you have too many special cases, you are doing it wrong. If you lie to the computer, it will get you. If you plan to throw one away, you will throw away two. If you see an onion ring - answer it! If you suspect a man, don't employ him. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. -Mark Twain If you wish to keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate. If your desires are not extravagant they will be granted. Imagination is more important than knowledge. In jealousy there is more self-love than love. Individualists unite! Inside every large program there lurks a small one screaming to get out. Integrity is praised, and starves. Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less? It always takes longer than you expect. It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. It is better to wear out than to rust out. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. It is easier to run down a hill than up one. It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love. It is fortune, and not wisdom, that rules a man's life. It is easiest to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem It is often better not to see an insult than to avenge it. It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder. It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. It's a poor workman who blames his tools. It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten. Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot. Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. LISP programmers know the value of everything but the cost of nothing. Lonely is a man without love. Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. Love is nothing but Sex misspelt. Love is sentimental measles. Love the sea? I dote on it--from the beach. Make a wish, it might come true. Make new friends but keep the old; one is silver and the other's gold. Man and wife make one fool. Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. Many a family tree needs trimming. Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing. Many are cold, but few are frozen. Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. --Voltaire Maryland has the best politicians money can buy. Matrimony is the root of all evil. Mediocrity finds safety in standardization. Men are not punished for their sins, but by them. Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure. Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the football game. Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship. Money will say more in moment than the most eloquent lover can in years. More haste, less speed. Neutrinos have bad breadth. Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. Never drink from your finger bowl--it contains only water. Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist. Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. New truths begin as heresies and end as superstitions. Nice guys finish last. --Leo Durocher No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. No good deed goes unpunished for long. No man can be a patriot on an empty stomach. No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. No one is completely worthless. They can always serve as a bad example. No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. Nothing is impossible until it is sent to a committee. Nothing worthwhile ever arrives by mail. Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. Oh, it's you. On a clear disk you can seek forever. One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it. One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. People will buy anything that's one to a customer. People will laugh at you, but let that not prevent you. People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. Plan to throw one away, you will anyhow. Please all, and you will please none. Preserve the old, but know the new. Pride invites calamity, but humility reaps its harvest. Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth. Raise ducks for quack profit. Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. Real boards are up 24 hours. Real boards do not have system errors every other line. Real boards don't use 'call back'. Real boards have real sysops. Real boards use all 80 columns. Real PC'ers are Pro-80 columns. Real PC'ers attend Ghost/Outs. Real PC'ers believe in ANSI, IBM, Turbo Pascal and the upper ASCII codes. Real PC'ers call Ghostcomm. Real PC'ers can type past 5 wpm. Real PC'ers don't borrow their entire PC system from IBM. Real PC'ers don't care whether they eat quiche or not. Real PC'ers don't have PC-compatibles and have a true blue box. Real PC'ers hate the 2-minute POST. Real PC'ers have at least 2 monitors. Real PC'ers have early IBM PC-1s that have only 64K on the system board. Real PC'ers have modems and use them to call Fony Express bulletin boards. Real PC'ers have solved their way out of at least one Infocom adventrue. Real PC'ers have their PC on normally for at least 6 hours a day. Real PC'ers know what "POST" means. Real PC'ers listen to the radio while they're on the bulletin boards. Real PC'ers never have enough slots to accomodate the cards they have. Real PC'ers play Gauntlet. Real PC'ers program in some language higher than BASIC. Real PC'ers read Bloom County. Real PC'ers read Doug Adams books. Real PC'ers still have an original IBM 80 CPS Personal Computer Printer. Real PC'ers use more than two fingers to type. Real PC'ers use Personal Editor. Real Sysops aren't hypocrites. Real Sysops aren't in any local 'Warez Clubs'. Real Sysops aren't that excited about HBBS - Hi-res BBS. Real Sysops avoid 'Chat Mode'as often as possible. Real Sysops disconnect their computer's speaker. Real Sysops don't care about "Improper Signoffs". Real Sysops don't change the name of their board every month. Real Sysops don't have a 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey'game on-line. Real Sysops don't have a command for every key on the keyboard. Real Sysops don't have on-line AE or Catsend. Real Sysops don't leave mail to users begging them to post. Real Sysops don't need a Ramdisk. Real Sysops don't post on 'Warez boards'. Real Sysops don't post their numbers on every known BBS. Real Sysops don't procrastinate. Real Sysops don't run 'pay boards'. Real Sysops don't say 'L8r' 'K-K00l' 'B@SS' or any related terms. Real Sysops don't say they're getting a hard drive. They already have one. Real Sysops don't take their BBS down every five minutes to call a board. Real Sysops don't think they are God and are better than everyone else. Real Sysops don't trade 'new warez'. Real Sysops don't use 'Text-Trix'. Real Sysops HATE 'Text-Trix'. Real Sysops hate it when you call yourself a 'future sysop'. Real Sysops hate it when you call yourself an 'assistant sysop'. Real Sysops have at least 2400 baud. There are a few exceptions. Real Sysops have a clock card. Real Sysops have a fan on their computer at all times. Real Sysops have a real computer such as a Kaypro or an IBM. Real Sysops have their own phone line without 'call-waiting'. Real Sysops know how to spell. Real Sysops know that 'phone'is spelled with 'ph'and 'fun'with 'f'. Real Sysops know the difference between a new user and a loser. Real Sysops know what the GBBS back door is. Real Sysops make sure that "G" is for Goodbye, and that "C" is for chat. Real Sysops put up a BBS as a service; not an ego trip! Real Sysops take pride in their BBS. Real Sysops try to help the new users; not cut them down. Real Sysops turn off the ringer on their telephone. Real Sysops turn off their monitor as often as possible. Real Sysops won't give you level 8 for a copy of Lotus 1-2-3. Real Sysops write their own BBS. Reality does not exist - yet. Reality is for people who can't face science fiction. Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations. Reputation: what others are not thinking about you. Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. Schizophrenia beats being alone. Science clears the field upon which technology can build. Shouldn't you be doing something useful? Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. Small programs are for small minds. Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to. Some men are discovered; others are found out. Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. Sorry - the Cookie Monster got here first. Speech is the art of stifling and suspending thought. --Carlyle Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. Swap read error. You lose your mind. Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves. Talk is a substitute for creative work--and its worst enemy. Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence. That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all. The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. The best laid schemes o'mice and men gang aft a-gley. The best prophet of the future is the past. The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even down is up! The death of the poet is kept from his poems. --W. H. Auden. The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. The fastest I/O is no I/O. The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. The first rule of program optimization - Don't do it. The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. The fish that escaped is the big one. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. The greatest enemy of the neck is the tongue. The heart is wiser than the intellect. The ideal wife is the woman who has an ideal husband. The latest thing in clothes is the girl you've been looking for. The light at the end of the tunnel is probably an oncoming train. The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. The minute a man is convinced he is interesting, he isn't. The next dreadful thing to a battle lost is a battle won. The only rose without thorns is friendship. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. -Oscar Wilde The plural of spouse is spice. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers. The second rule of program optimization, for experts only - Don't do it yet. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. The sooner you start to code, the longer the program will take. The value of knowledge lies not in its accumulation, but in its utilization. The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. There are more old drunkards than old doctors. There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream. There is always someone worse off than yourself. There is many a good man to be found under a shabby hat. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casteth out fear. There is no free lunch. There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. There's at least one fool in every married couple. There's no future in time travel. There's so much to say, but your eyes keep interrupting me. Things are more like they used to be than they are now. This is a fill in the blank message: _______________________________. This is tomorrow's message. This is yesterday's message. This sentence no verb. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do. Those who are prospering do not argue about taxes. Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate. Three can keep a secret, if two are dead. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. Time: That which tries to prevent everything happening at once. To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. To give happiness is to deserve happiness. To iterate is human, to recurse is divine. To keep your friends treat them kindly; to kill them treat them often. To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. To profit from good advice requires more sense than to give it. To refuse praise is to seek praise twice. To save a single life is better than to build a seven-story pagoda. Traveler, there is no path. Paths are made by walking. True happiness will be found only in true love. Truth is more likely to emerge from error than from confusion. Twenty percent of all input forms filled out by people contain bad data. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. Walt Disney is in suspended animation. We prefer to speak evil of ourselves than not to speak of ourselves at all. We promise according to our hopes and perform according to our fears. We read to say that we have read. What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. What a stupid password! What orators lack in depth they make up for in length. What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not guarantee them. When in doubt, use brute force. When the wind is great, bow before it; When the wind is heavy, yield to it. When you get there, there's no there there. When you go out to buy, don't show your silver. Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax. Wisdom and good sense guard life from harm. Wisdom is knowing thyself--and not telling anyone. Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. Wit is a dangerous weapon with which you can stab yourself in the back. With a mind like yours, who needs a body? With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. Without fools there would be no wisdom. Without health you cannot enjoy wealth or happiness. Women are a country's wild life and morality its game laws. Words are the voice of the heart. Words must be weighed, not counted. Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see. Xerox never comes up with anything original. You are just in time to be too late. You are magnetic in your bearing. You can always tell a Texan, but you can never tell him very much. You can't get there from here. You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. You don't have mail. You may already have won a million dollars. You might have mail, I can't recall. You might have mail. You will have many friends when you use corkscrew. You will step on the soil of many countries. You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. Your boss will always be early when you're late and late when you're early. Your chair is the headquarters of your hindquarters. Your conscience is that small inner voice which gives you the odds. Your mind understands what you have been taught; you heart, what is true. Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory. Youth and skill are never a match for age and cunning. Youth had been a habit of hers for so long that she could not part with it. *** *** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie." *** A (spec, design, procedure, ....) that will not fit on one page of 8.5 x 11 inch paper cannot be understood. A carelessly planned project will take three times longer to complete than expected. A carefully planned project will only take twice as long. Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H O was H SO . 2 2 4 Def: AQUADEXTROUS adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. Def: BACKSPACKLE n. The marks one get on his back when riding through a puddle on a fenderless bicycle. Def: BERBULATION n. The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the light comes on. Def: BLITHWAPPING v. Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. Def: BRATTLED adj. The unsettling feeling, at a stoplight, that the busload of kids that just pulled up beside you is making fun of you. Def: CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) - n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. Def: CHOCLONIVEROUS (choc lo niv' r us) The habit of biting off the head of a solid-chocolate Santa Claus first. Def: CIGADENT n. Any accident involving a cigarette: for instance when it sticks to your lips while your fingers slide off and get burned. Def: CINEMUCK n. The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters. Def: CLUMFERT n. The invisible extra step at the top and bottom of a stair- case. Usually materializes when one is carrying a large bag of groceries. Def: EASTROTURF n. The plastic "grass" used to line easter baskets Def: ELBONICS n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one arm rest in a movie theater. Def: ELECELLERATION n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive. Def: EXPRESSHOLES n. People who try to sneak more than the "8 items or less" into the express checkout line. Def: FENDERBERG n. The large glacial deposits that form on the insides of car fenders during snowstorms. Def: FLANNISTER n. The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. Def: FUNCH v. The act of turning a pillow over and over trying to find the cool spot. Def: FURBLING v. Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. Def: GENDERPLEX n. The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g. turtles & tortoises). Def: GLANTICS n. Two people, who, while making out, open their eyes at the same time to see if the other is looking. Def: GLEEMITES n. Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. Def: GURMLISH n. The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of one's mouth. Def: HOZONE n. The place where one sock in every laundry load disappears to. Def: HYDRALATION n. Acclimating oneself to a cold swimming pool by bodily regions: toe-to-knee, knee-to-waist, waist-to-elbow, elbow-to-neck. Def: IDIOT BOX n. The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out from themselves. Def: IGNISECOND n. The over-lapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car door even as the brain is saying "My keys are in there!" Def: KROGT n. (chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. Def: LACTOMANGULATION n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. Def: MAGNOCARTIC n. Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. Def: MCMONIA n. (chemical symbol Mc) Noxious gas created by fast-food employee mopping under your table while you're eating. Def: MITTSQUINTER n. A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there. Def: MUSTGO n. Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project. Def: NARCOLEPULACY (nar ko lep' ul ah see) n. The contagious act of yawning which causes everyone in sight to also yawn. Def: NERKLE n. One who leaves his Christmas lights up all year. Def: PEDIDDEL n. A car with only one working headlight. Def: PETRIBAR n. Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in the window of a vending machine too long. Def: PHONESIA n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. Def: PHOTOYOKEL n. A person who presses the wrong button on a film camera, causing it to dismantle. Def: PHOSFLINK v. To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out, as if somehow that will bring it back to life. Def: PIYAN (pi' an) n. (acronym: "Plus If You Act Now.") Any item thrown in on a late night television ad. Def: PREMBLEMEMBLEMATION (prim blum em blum ay' shun) n. Whenever you drop a letter in the mailbox, you always re-check to make sure it's gone down. Def: PSYCHOPHOBIA n. The compulsion, when using a host's bathroom to peer behind the shower curtain and make sure no one is waiting for you. Def: PURPITATION v. To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you don't want it, and then put it in another section. Def: ROVALERT n. The system whereby one dog can quickly establish an entire neighborhood network of barking. Def: SCRIBELINE n. The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes. Def: SHUGGLEFTULATION (shuf lef tuyl ay' shun) n. The actions of two people approaching, trying to get around each other and muttering "thanks for the dance." Def: SLOTGREED n. The habit of checking every coin return one passes for change. Def: SLURM n. The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it stands in the dish too long. Def: SNACKTREK n. The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to a refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized. Def: SNOWPHOBIA n. The fear of being a flake. Def: SPAGMUMP n. Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items. Def: SPIROBITS n. The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook. Def: SPIRTLE n. The spray from a grapefruit that always lands in your eye. Def: SQUATCHO n. The button at the top of a baseball cap. Def: STROODLE n. The annoying strand of cheese stretching from a slice of hot pizza to one's mouth. Def: STURP v. To pin down a runaway piece of paper or currency with one's foot before the wind blows it away. Def: TABLE SNORKELING n. The act of sucking in air when you've eaten food that's too hot. Def: TELEPRESSION n. The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try hard enough to "look up the number on your own" and instead put the burden on the directory assistant. Def: TESTLICE n. The bugs that invade one's hair while he is trying to take an exam. Def: THERMALOPHOBIA n. The fear when showering that someone will sneak in, flush the toilet, and scald you to death. Def: YINKEL n. A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice. Def: ZIZZEBOTS n. The marks on the bridge of one's nose visible when glasses are removed. Def: YORANGE (yawr' anj) n. Those disgusting white threads that hand from an orange after it has been peeled. Don't get suckered in by the comments-they can be terribly misleading.Debug only the code. Found on a door in the UNO music building: This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel. If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach? If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of change will exceed the rate of progress. If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. If you must write a program, use existing code to do as much of the work as possible. Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "As I approached the intersection a stop sign appeared where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "For 7 broken ribs: "Husband was hugging me. Hugged too hard."" Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "For a broken leg: "Running away from husband when I fell down the stairs. (Only fooling around)" I bet you were, lady. Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "I saw a truly moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him." Insurance Form accident summary by policyholder ...... "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car ahead of me, I struck the pedestrian." Keep your mouth shut and people will think you're stupid. Open it and you remove all doubt. Less than 10% of code has to do with the ostensible purpose of the system; the rest deals with I/O, data validation, data structure maintenance, and other housekeeping. No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the first. No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug a system inevitably introduce new bugs which are even harder to find. Of all my programming bugs, 80% are syntax errors. Of the remaining 20%, 80% are trivial logic errors. Of the remaining 4%, 80% are pointer errors. The remaining 0.8% are hard. One advantage of fuzzy project objectives is that they let you avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. Project teams detest progress reporting because it vividly manifests their lack of progress. Projects progress quickly until they are 90 percent complete, then they remain at 90 percent complete forever. Q: How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. Q: How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb? A1:None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark. A2:None of your damn business! Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of "Real Men" around to do it. Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee. Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One-third less than for a regular bulb. Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions. Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really one. Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb? A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, One to write the light bulb insertaion program, and One to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time. Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder. Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness. Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget! Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny! Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!" Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a ****load of light bulbs! Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him. Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------ consists of sequences of non-blank characters seperated by blanks". Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...") Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb? A: Who says it's dark? Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man. Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it. Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super- high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States. Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside) Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end. Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A1:None of your damn business! A2:50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one Watt bulb? A: Five: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness. Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a hardware problem. Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has to really WANT to change. Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ---- You should have hit "n"! Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready. Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Both of them. Q: How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There never *was* any light bulb. Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb? A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him. Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway. Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to change the bulb and one not to change it. Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb. Q: What is the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen. Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb.Real PC'ers always have a list of things they're "going to get", but for some unexplained reason never actually get them. Real PC'ers always run out of printer paper when they have something important to print out. Real PC'ers always say they want an AT or something like it but know they couldn't really part with their 4-year-old PC, even if they do get an AT. Real PC'ers don't change the lines in a program to put their name in it and then say they made it. Real PC'ers don't have to call people up to ask them how to do things step-by-step. Real PC'ers don't just pirate games on free time and then call themselves "programmers". Real PC'ers don't need silly little gizmos like keyboard templates to help them. Real PC'ers don't think that "PC" means any "personal computer" and don't call their quaint little VIC-20 a PC. Real PC'ers don't try to act hot by saying they have a few thousand dollars of "on-loan" equipment from IBM. Real PC'ers either have at least 50 disks strewn across their desk or have a hard disk and only have 20 disks strewn across their desk. Real PC'ers have a maze of wires that looks something like what it looks like down at the telephone office. Real PC'ers have strange pieces of food and other foreign materials all float-ing around inside the keyboard case. Real PC'ers remember having to go down to White Plains or Paramus or somewhere out in the boondocks to get their PC. Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read the listings or the object deck. Real Programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real programmers don't know how to SPELL quiche. They eat Twinkies, and Szechwan food. Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room. Real Programmers don't write application programs; they program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC, after the age of 12. Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories. Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get. Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night. Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. Real Sysops couldn't care less about what some user posts about them on ' a loser board. Real Sysops don't bother to answer the phone when they're using their computer because they know the guy will have heart failure and hang up. Real Sysops don't care if users leave some obnixious message 100 times in feedback. They realize that this user just leaned AE macros. Real Sysops don't care if you say that you are putting up a board next summer. Real Sysops don't find it amusing when users leave numbers like: CAN-NOT-TELL or *UN-LIS-TED! Real Sysops don't get out their handy dandy sector editor and plaster their name and number all over a new game. Real Sysops don't give access to someone just because they run 'Sherwood Forest XXIII'and have 300 meg. Real Sysops don't make excuses like "My dad is calling me" if they have to leave someone. Real Sysops don't post 'new board'messages on every other board in town until their board is really up and running. Real Sysops don't really care about 'K-K00l' mods such as the infamous spinning prompt. Real Sysops get angry if their boards are crashed. Fortunately, real boards are rarely crashed and Real Sysops make back-ups, anyway. Real Sysops know that a disclaimer is useless, but they keep it for nostalgic reasons. Real Sysops know that it is their decision whether or not to sit in front of the computer all day. They don't care what some idiot says. Real Sysops know that it's not the sysops that make a BBS great; it's the users. Real Sysops laugh when people say things like 'I have your voice number or 'I am a Phed'. Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll have another chance later. Some like to understand what they believe in. Others like to believe in what they understand. The cheapest, fastest, and most reliable components of a computer system are those that aren't there. The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been defined several times by example of what it is not. The fastest algorithm can frequently be replaced by one that is almost as fast and much easier to understand. The first 90% of code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of code accounts for the other 90% of development time. The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it. There are two kinds of people in this world: Those that want to BE something, and those that want to DO something. There is less competition in the second category. There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviare on impluse than in the man who eats grapenuts on principle. Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #1 AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN "Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun." Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #2 FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR "I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs spread." Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #3 SHOMAEH FEKR TOMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE "I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life." Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #4 AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST "It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car." Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #5 FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA REJEBEHKESHVAREHMAN "If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public." Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #6 KHREL JEPAHEN MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKANEY "I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters." Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #7 BALLI, BALLI, BALLI "Whatever you say!" Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #8 MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GOHRBAN "The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency." Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #9 TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRAUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM "The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious! Thank you - I must have the recipe!" Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #10 ETHFORAN, DHRATEE OTAGEH SHOWA MIKRASTAMKHE DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREELTEEGZ "Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs!" When things are going well, something will go wrong. When things just can't get any worse, they will. When things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. When we think a thing, the thing we think is not the thing we think we think, but only the thing we think we think we think.